Working Parents and Career Break Returner Blog Series
The challenges and solutions in this blog series are around how to be a career professional and parent and succeed at both, preparing for and overcoming career break return challenges and how to progress your career when you are ready.
Part 1: How to be a career professional & parent, & succeed at both
All names have been changed in the working examples provided to protect client confidentiality.
The Challenge
Michelle Obama broke the bad news to working mothers whilst promoting her biography, Becoming: ‘That whole, “So you can have it all.” Nope, not at the same time. ‘That’s a lie.” Famously she went on to use colourful language to criticise Sheryl Sandberg’s philosophy around women leaning into their careers to succeed. There is a certain irony here, because in Sandberg’s book, Lean in: Women, Work and the Will to Lead, she actually agrees with Obama, describing ‘Having it all’ as a myth.
For Men as much as women
This is not simply the domain of women. The Western Circuit Women’s Forum Back to the Bar Survey found that male barristers rarely took parental leave for any significant period. Men at the Bar often experience a sense of obligation to return to work quickly, inextricably linked to the financial pressures of self-employment.
In an example from the survey, a male barrister ‘will not be open about his real problems juggling childcare responsibilities… because he feels he needs to “man up”.’ Wider, societal issues about gender roles and stereotyping clearly come into play.
So if ‘having it all’ is a lie and a myth for both women and men, how are we to be professionals, parents and succeed at both? The preferable question I think is to ask what our own definition of success is, and consider how that can be achieved as a working parent within our careers.
Image
It’s important to be realistic about our options and accepting of our choices. Being a parent means making daily compromises and decisions which we may not like, but can live with. How to do so is another matter.
To those outside looking in, a successful barrister is confident, focused and present in whatever case they are instructed upon. They are available to undertake last minute case preparation outside of normal office hours. They go above and beyond to fight their client’s case.
Versus Reality
They are also human, not robots or superheroes: parents, carers, people who may have been up all night with a demanding baby, or putting small children to bed late, then settling down to prepare a jury speech late in to the small hours.
Yet there is an expectation that we show up next morning at court, ready to go, ‘game face’ engaged. There is a big difference between image and reality.
How to ditch the “having it all” myth and learn to live with compromise
To give ourselves the best chance of preserving the image and living with the invidious compromises that we, as parents, inevitably have to make, childcare will have to be in place which is affordable and in which we feel confident. Flexible working arrangements are also important as a means by which to control our own schedule. The downside, however, according to the survey, is that for many, it can negatively impact on the work women received and their career progression.
Again, arguably this applies equally to men: at a working parents networking event I attended not so long ago, a male panel member working flexibly in a law firm recounted an occasion when he was deliberately discriminated against by a senior partner, who called into question his commitment to his role and the firm due to him working flexibly.
Working Example
Here, a working example of the dilemmas faced daily by working parents, from my coaching client work:
Marianne, career break returner and law firm Senior Associate soon learned to live with her changed priorities. She acknowledged the demanding nature of the profession, target driven, with client needs paramount. She was also aware of the expectation that she would be operating at the same level as before her maternity leave with increased demands on her time at home and changed priorities in terms of how important things felt to her at work. Pre-maternity, her career goal was partnership; as a working mother, the emphasis had altered – “I’d love to be partner, but how realistic is that for me, since traditional business development and networking activities are challenging due to time pressure and working hours?”
Nothing precluded by making deliberate choices
As Sandberg says, ‘the best way to make room for both life and career is to make choices deliberately.’
That way, we can become the authors of our own destiny, knowing we are not precluded from achieving anything.
Sure-fire route to success
Rather, it’s a matter of making considered choices about what to focus on and when, in order to achieve success, your way, as this recently promoted career break returner articulates:
“I wanted to thank you for planting the seed [of promotion] last year when I returned from maternity leave. I never thought upon my return that I would get promoted in the year. You were somebody that believed in me from the start. I really appreciated your encouragement and support. It just shows what you can achieve if you put mind to it!”
Nikki Alderson Biography
Nikki Alderson, specialist coach, speaker and author, and former Criminal Barrister with 19 years’ experience:
- supports organisations, law firms and barristers’ Chambers to retain female talent; and
- empowers female lawyers to achieve career ambitions.
Nikki specialises in 3 areas:
- Women leadership transition and change;
- Enhanced career break returner support; and
- Workplace resilience, mental toughness, confidence and wellness.
She is the author of Amazon No.1 Bestseller Raising the Bar: empowering female lawyers through coaching, (https://amzn.to/3fodKQX) nominee for the Inspirational Women Awards, Champion of the Year Category and finalist in the 2020 Women in Law Awards, Legal Services Innovator of the Year and 2019 International Coaching Awards, International Coach of the Year Category.